The Extremely Personal Post

Another confession. I love scotch. The only buddy I put in the cupboard.

July 30, 2011

I am the CEO of my life.

This proud statement just sprung out of me as I read an inspiring post by Janet Callaway entitled How to be the CEO of your life.

Frankly, I was shocked that as soon as I read the post, I HAD to write my comment.  It was like I had no choice.  I had to state my position because I have finally figured it out.

Figured what out?

That I’m ok.

Let me give you some background.

3 years ago I made the most difficult decision of my life.  I decided to end my marriage of 7 years.  Not an easy thing you can imagine, with 2 very young kids in tow.  But it was the right decision.  And I did it.  This was just the start of 3 years of crisis.

It went from a separation, to getting laid off, to my mom being diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumour, to her dying a year later, to my dad suddenly suffering from mobility issues.

How did I cope?

Ok.. being honest.  I didn’t.  I survived.

Have you ever been in a position where you just deal with what is screaming in front of you.  Because you have to.  Because it is the right thing to do?  I think we all have.  You do what needs to be done and you move on.

The problem in my case, is that it was 3 years of this.  Living in crisis.  It becomes the new normal.  You don’t panic, because you are always panic’d.  You live on the edge.  Its like everyday is the last day before a big project is due.   Because this was my normal, you don’t question it.  You do it.  What needs to be done.  Everyday.

God, I hated living like that.

Now… let me ask you.  What is your day to day level of stress like?  Really think about this one.  You may not have the crisis I have, but at what grade of panic do you live?  Don’t cheat yourself.  Answer honestly.  Can’t answer this one?  Ok.. let me tell you how my life is now.

I have upgraded from surviving to being happy.  This is my first written proclamation of this… so I’m living it up.  What this means is that things are easier.  Its never easy, but its easier.  I cherish my time with my kids.  I enjoy my friends.  I love my work.  I find myself coasting in a state of bliss.  My bliss is:

• Goals are clear
• Balance between opportunity and capacity
• Concentration deepens
• The present is what matters
• Control is no problem
• Time is altered
• Loss of ego

Yes.  I stole this list from somewhere.. wish I noted the source in my theft, but I didn’t.  But it is now my list.  Instead of wandering, I am focused.  Instead of praying for the night to appear, I’m surprised when it does.

I think the real testament is that I’m comfortable being me.  That I am my true authentic self in all situations.  Well, as best as I can.  When you strip away all the layers of crap and find yourself.. its like.  Hello.  there you are. Wanna hang?  Nice to have you around.

So, I ask myself.. how the hell did I get here.

It wasn’t easy.  Once I found myself out of crisis.  I wanted to start to focus on me.  It took someone outside of me to point out…  um.. Laurinda… you operate at high anxiety… all the friggin time.

So I made the commitment to stop.

What I discovered is that anxiety wasn’t my problem.  It was the beliefs that I held about myself was the problem.  And I worked hard at changing all the ones I logically new were stupid, but my emotions didn’t get that memo.  This was a daily battle of identifying when I thought of the belief.  Finding evidence that said… hey.. that isn’t true. Building new evidence on what was true.  And believing it… and I have found… I believe in me.  More and more.

Why am I sharing this?

Because of Janet’s post.  Because I believe that I’m not alone and that you may be experiencing something similar.  And because I had to.  People who know me, know that I am straight forward and don’t hide much.  I’m human.  I’m proud.  And I care.

Please share your thoughts below.  Tell me I’m crazy, I don’t mind.  Because of you, I learn and grow.  I hope to help too!